Inside out

If I were to ask you; Do you love yourself? How would you respond? Honestly. I'm not going to judge you. 

It's amazing how much love I have inside of me, yet none of it is for myself. I love my children to a depth I didn't believe existed. I love Justin more then I express, he totally deserves more than I give him. I love my parents with a suffocating fear of the day they won't be around on the other end of the phone. I love my Sister, her husband and two amazing children so much. My Aunts, Uncles, cousins, second cousins all have my love to call theirs. My friends that are always here for me. Even with thousands of miles between us, they never give up on me. But to love myself, I don't have it in me. It's just not there. I've spent lots of time in my own mind. Searching for myself if you will. And what I've found so far, I'm not a fan. 

(Probably my favorite picture of myself ever, I loved myself. Of course there were things I knew I could improve on, but I loved myself.)

This dislike goes almost as far as hatred. I've not always been like this. I remember a time when I loved myself enough to take care of myself. I loved attention. I thrived on it. Selfies hadn't been invented yet but if they had, I would've mastered them. Now I hide behind the camera. Photographing other people, eternalizing  their love for not only each other, but for themselves. It takes a certain amout of self love to agree to having your photos taken; to subject yourself to someone else's view. 

If I said the things I say to myself out loud to another person, I would be turned over to the authorities for verbally abusing them. How did this happen to me? What have I done to deserve hearing these terrible things rolling in my inner monologue all day long? 

(This is when things really started to change. Just in very small increments at this point. I disliked my arms, so I cropped them out mostly. But I still liked myself.) 

Until today, I just accepted that this is how it is. How am I suppose to change? How do I just start learning to love myself? I know I've done pretty amazing things. I grew two amazingly wonderful children inside my body. A body I should worship, but that I don't respect or enjoy. Then I feel guilty for thinking things like that because there are so many people that would be so happy to have a fully functioning, healthy body. This goes deeper than disliking my mommy flabby body. I hate it. Every curve and crease, every stretch mark, every ripple of cellulite makes my mind scream "You are not worthy of love and affection! Why would anyone want to be seen with you?" 

(I should have been so happy here. But I was so sad. I felt so unworthy of this beautiful creature.)

This is abuse. Plain and simple. This Mean Girl voice must be silenced. But I don't even know where to begin. I don't even know how I let it creep in so far. I must have been so busy trying to stay afloat in life that I never even noticed that it came in and took over. 

My plan is to write down one thing a day that I like about myself. Anything. Something small even. And repeat to myself all day "I love ___ about myself".  I'm also going to take 30 minutes to walk alone, and tell myself only positive things for those 30 minutes. I'll call it 30 minutes of self-loving. 

I want to be happy again. I want to smile and not worry that someone is judging me for my laugh, the double chin I have always had. I want to play with my kids without reminding myself I'm too fat to get up off the floor unassisted. I'm going to do it for my kids, of course. But I'm going to do it for myself. I have to. This is a miserable way to live and I won't let it continue. I'm tired of feeling paralyzed. Tomorrow is a new day. 

San Juan Puerto Rico~ Call it our Babymoon with a baby!

Thanks to my day job we had the pleasure of traveling to San Juan PR this past April. I chose to bring my little family along, not just to enjoy the sites but also because I have never spent a night without my baby girl. On top of it all I was 31 weeks pregnant which made the flights and the humidity a little exhausting, but the trip was so amazing and we have great memories.

You would think I would travel light since I work for an airline, this was not the case. Vacationing is stressful on it's own. Add a 9 month old, and a very pregnant lady and you feel like your lugging your entire wardrobe. And of course I had to bring my good camera along. I am so glad that I did.

I apologize for the lack of photos of us, but for some reason, I shot scenery and architecture instead. I really wish I had more images of us but we have the memories of where we went and how amazing it was.

We stayed at the Caribe Hilton which was only a 5 minute and $15 taxi ride to Old Town. The Mister found the bus route one day which is about a 20 minute ride and only 50 cents. We ended up taking the bus after that. It was so simple and we got to feel less touristy.

The view of the ocean was so beautiful. I have worked for an airline that "jets" to a lot of Caribbean destinations and I haven't gone anywhere. Key West is the closest I have gotten in 8 years, so this was exciting to me. Here are a few photos of the beautiful views near our hotel.

I was not expecting the winds to be so crazy. It made the waves pretty spectacular though!

Here are a few images of Old Town. Mind you we had a 9 month old in a snap and go stroller on cobblestone streets, so we didn't get too adventurous in the city.
I fell in love with the bright colors and beautifully constructed homes and businesses. Besides the modern vehicles on the streets, you feel like you stepped back in time.

We wandered upon a beautiful fountain along the coast and a beautiful view of the waterway.

And there was so much to explore. We found an ice cream shop that is owned by an Olympic Gymnast, Campi that was raised in the neighborhood and took a few pictures of her news wall.
So many beautiful things to see in this enchanting town.

So that in a nutshell was our trip. It took a long time to get this post up, but I have been so busy with our new baby that I did not have time to get to my personal photos. I hope you have a chance to visit this gorgeous place someday. Next time, I want to enjoy some time in the sand!

Raegan ~ 9 Month Baby Girl

She has been a full 9 months old for a week so pardon me for my delayed post. Last week was Easter and we had so many family activities going on that I didn't get to put this post together then. But here it is now.
Raegan never ceases to amaze me. She seems to be the smartest, most agile baby I have ever seen, but I remind myself that I am biased. She started crawling last month and within days had started pulling herself up to standing. Now she is cruising around the large leather ottoman we have in the living room. Sweet "dadadadadada" being uttered all the way around. I was taking offense to her not saying mama yet but she can say it, she just doesn't understand that Justin is dada and I am mama. We have a canvas of our family hanging in the hallway across from her room, and when we leave the room we stop and point to Mama, Dada and Baby Raegan. She laughs and claps her hands then proceeds to reach for the canvas and scratch at it saying "dadadadada" and squealing.
Justin reported to me that when he changes her during the week he swears she says " I want mamamamama!" Well I thought that was so sweet. She is playing us off of each other already. Last night I had to give her a stern "No Raegan" because she tries to roll over like an alligator with dinner in it's mouth the moment you unsnap the diaper on the changer. She does not like to be scolded. She sobs when you tell her No, and mean it. She then proceeded to look at me and I heard " I want mamamama!" I looked at her and said "I AM mama baby girl!" She looked puzzled and continued to sob. I figure it will stick soon enough.
So besides her sobbing at the sound of a stern No, she loves feeling the independence that crawling has brought her. She can now get to us in the kitchen when she hears the dishwasher open. We had to buy the cabinet locks to keep her out of the cleaners and the trash can in the kitchen and bathroom. But I am so happy that she is mobile and free to experience everything she should. She crawls in the grass at the park, sits up and claps at the dogs as they run by barking. I know that it's not going to be long before she is toddling around and checking everything out. Don't mistake my pride filled sentences as total excitement. As great as it is for her to be so mobile, it makes me a little sad that she isn't taking her time growing up. I just feel like I have waited so long for this baby girl and she is preparing to up and walk out on her own! I'm being dramatic but my feelings are true.
So without further ado here are some pictures I took this week. We were at the park with cousins Kylea and  Joseph. Raegan loves the swings and she likes to go fast and high. Crazy baby girl! All the Mom's look at us like we are nuts as they gently swing their one year olds into a deep sleep, all the while Raegan is kicking and laughing, clapping and squealing. Every baby is different, and boy is this girl different. She is a mover. The thing about that, when we get home she takes a great nap and then wakes up in a happy mood. So the pictures in the crib are from after her post park nap. I love her sleepy face and her sweet smile behind the bink when I go in her room to get her. Life really is better with children. I hope everyone experiences the joy we do everyday!

Raegan 8 Months

It's so hard to believe that our baby girl is 8 months old now! Everyday is a new accomplishment. She learned to crawl 2 weeks ago and is now pulling herself up on the toy box and can stand unassisted for about 25 seconds. It will be no time before she is running around our house! 
I love every second I get with her! She has gotten used to the camera so a lot of times she just ignores me, but every once in a while I get a great smile. I hope she melts your heart as much as she does ours.

I'm Back!

Wow, please forgive me! I took some time off to expand our family this past year! It's been so long but I am back and ready to dive right back in!

I have had the opportunity to photograph a few people in the last few months (since I can actually get down on my belly again!) Boy how I have missed being behind the camera. So please stay tuned for a few more posts to catch you all up on what I've been working on! But first, here are a few of the shots I have taken of my beautiful girl. I am so proud of her and so blessed each and everyday.