Inside out

If I were to ask you; Do you love yourself? How would you respond? Honestly. I'm not going to judge you. 

It's amazing how much love I have inside of me, yet none of it is for myself. I love my children to a depth I didn't believe existed. I love Justin more then I express, he totally deserves more than I give him. I love my parents with a suffocating fear of the day they won't be around on the other end of the phone. I love my Sister, her husband and two amazing children so much. My Aunts, Uncles, cousins, second cousins all have my love to call theirs. My friends that are always here for me. Even with thousands of miles between us, they never give up on me. But to love myself, I don't have it in me. It's just not there. I've spent lots of time in my own mind. Searching for myself if you will. And what I've found so far, I'm not a fan. 

(Probably my favorite picture of myself ever, I loved myself. Of course there were things I knew I could improve on, but I loved myself.)

This dislike goes almost as far as hatred. I've not always been like this. I remember a time when I loved myself enough to take care of myself. I loved attention. I thrived on it. Selfies hadn't been invented yet but if they had, I would've mastered them. Now I hide behind the camera. Photographing other people, eternalizing  their love for not only each other, but for themselves. It takes a certain amout of self love to agree to having your photos taken; to subject yourself to someone else's view. 

If I said the things I say to myself out loud to another person, I would be turned over to the authorities for verbally abusing them. How did this happen to me? What have I done to deserve hearing these terrible things rolling in my inner monologue all day long? 

(This is when things really started to change. Just in very small increments at this point. I disliked my arms, so I cropped them out mostly. But I still liked myself.) 

Until today, I just accepted that this is how it is. How am I suppose to change? How do I just start learning to love myself? I know I've done pretty amazing things. I grew two amazingly wonderful children inside my body. A body I should worship, but that I don't respect or enjoy. Then I feel guilty for thinking things like that because there are so many people that would be so happy to have a fully functioning, healthy body. This goes deeper than disliking my mommy flabby body. I hate it. Every curve and crease, every stretch mark, every ripple of cellulite makes my mind scream "You are not worthy of love and affection! Why would anyone want to be seen with you?" 

(I should have been so happy here. But I was so sad. I felt so unworthy of this beautiful creature.)

This is abuse. Plain and simple. This Mean Girl voice must be silenced. But I don't even know where to begin. I don't even know how I let it creep in so far. I must have been so busy trying to stay afloat in life that I never even noticed that it came in and took over. 

My plan is to write down one thing a day that I like about myself. Anything. Something small even. And repeat to myself all day "I love ___ about myself".  I'm also going to take 30 minutes to walk alone, and tell myself only positive things for those 30 minutes. I'll call it 30 minutes of self-loving. 

I want to be happy again. I want to smile and not worry that someone is judging me for my laugh, the double chin I have always had. I want to play with my kids without reminding myself I'm too fat to get up off the floor unassisted. I'm going to do it for my kids, of course. But I'm going to do it for myself. I have to. This is a miserable way to live and I won't let it continue. I'm tired of feeling paralyzed. Tomorrow is a new day. 

Redesign in the works...

Thank you so much for stopping by! I am currently redesigning my site. So please come back for updates often.

I am adding to my portfolio page which will include wedding photography, births and so much more.

I appreciate so many amazing followers and I hope that I can keep you coming back!

The next big event will be my Holiday Mini Sessions so keep an eye out for that announcement!

Abriana ~ Walnut Creek Child Photography

Abriana's Mom called me last Thursday in a panic. She needed some photos of Abriana quickly and her iPhone pictures just wouldn't cut it. I was able to meet with them that afternoon. Poor girl is getting more teeth and was falling asleep during our session. We rescheduled for the next day. I crossed my fingers that she was feeling better. Lucky for me, she was so much happier. Here are a few of her shots from both days.

On Friday I met them at the Library. I love her sweet face, she is adorable. Don't you agree?

I hope I get more opportunities to photograph this sweet girl!

Beautiful Shari ~ Lafayette Maternity Photography ~ Lafayette Reservoir

Shari contacted me about booking a maternity session. When she told me she was due in 11 days I was a little worried we weren't going to be able to squeeze a session in. We worked it out and they drove from Stockton to meet with me.

I am so happy that it worked out! She is gorgeous, Maurice is awesome and Nehemiah is totally adorable! I am so lucky to meet so many amazing (photogenic) people.

I was exstatic to hear that Baby Alani was born this week! Congratulations to the entire family!

The Johnson Family~ Walnut Creek Family Photography~ Heather Farms

This adorable family is always a pleasure to have in front of my camera and they sure know how to celebrate! This session was going to be just for Mason's 1st Birthday but quickly became a family/pregnancy announcement session! I am so excited for their new addition joining them in February.
But who can ignore this cheeky monkey Mason? He is so adorable! Here are a few pictures of him enjoying his cake.

He actually didn't enjoy it at all! This is the first time I have seen a baby dislike sweets!

Mason is one of the happiest guys around. He loves hid Mom and Dad and he lights up for them.

What a beautiful family, a growing family at that. I look forward to welcoming their new baby later this winter. For now, they are enjoying their family of three.

What a great family. Congratulations Sarah, Eric and Mason! I'm sure we will see more of you on the blog!